THE TEN JUMPOFF COMMANDMENTS

If more Men knew these commandments, there wouldn’t be so many issues I am really disgusted by the amount of Entertainers and Athletes who allow themselves to be victimized by their jumpoffs. For as long as I can remember, some skank is advancing her career by who she slept with. You know the scenario:

Star meets Jumpoff. Jumpoff seduces Star. Star bangs Jumpoff. Jumpoff leaks the affair to the press. Star loses respect, money (possibly marriage/relationship) and dignity. Jumpoff gets book deal/clothing line/reality show and her sister marries Lamar Odom.

Most recently, NBA player Peja Stojakovic found himself a victim of a Jumpoff’s career advancement strategy. Porn Star Sienna West slept with Stojakovic, tweeted about his “cock” and even did a twitvid. Although the tweets and video were taken down quickly, the damage has already been done.
I honestly don’t know if Stojakovic’s marriage will survive. By the way Stojakovic’s wife is a beautiful model by the name of Aleka Kamila.

With people like Kobe Bryant, Bill Clinton, Steve Phillips, this dummy Stojakovic and the tragedy of my friend Steve McNair, it is clear that people of power and influence have little to no common sense. Rather than complain about the problem, I’ve decided to give these moronic simps some very easy rules to follow to keep them out of trouble and possibly save their lives. Here are the 10 Jumpoff Commandments




1. Thou Shalt NOT marry until retirement

While some may not agree with this, if there’s no marriage, there’s nothing a Jumpoff can hang over your head. No Blackmail, no press conferences, no cut and bleached clothing, and most importantly, no GIVING UP 1/2 of EVERYTHING YOU WORKED FOR! Moreover, if the Jumpoff does video tape you or go to the press, people will cheer you as a hero and file her in the Jumpoff category


2. Thou Shalt Wear Condoms at ALL TIMES

I shouldn’t have to say this, but too many dudes in the industry wind up with unnecessarySTD’s, Paternity suits and (in some cases) subsequent Baby Mama Drama if you would use a flipping condom. You would think you’d learn something from people like Magic Johnson, Easy-E and 50 Cent. Death and Paying ridiculous sums of money are not worth a quick nut.

3. Thou Shalt Deal with Age Appropriate Jumpoffs

Don’t think that banging a young Jumpoff is not a big deal? Ask R. Kelly. He banged a 14 year old and pissed on her on tape and…. Nothing Happened. Okay. Bad Example. Look at Former President Clinton’s run-in with Monica Lewinski and the nonsense that David Letterman is going through from banging interns. You can’t go through one news cycle without hearing about it. Yes, all of these people are still mega-rich but YOU’RE NOT THEM, so deal with women who are mature enough to play their position.

4. Thou Shalt Not Put a Jumpoff Before Your Money!

I know that some of these Jumpoffs are so good in the sack that you want to revisit them and that’s okay. You can’t allow them to get into your head and have your nose open where you’re shirking your responsibilities. Trust me, the Jumpoff will always be there as long as your career is popping.

5. Thou Shalt Not Sleep with Superhead

Two Books, countless videos and TV appearances where she dogs out your peers, but for some reason you still want to mess around with this crazy broad?!? WTF? Do you not remember what she did to Eddie Winslow? (Yes I know his real name but no one cares) Superhead said he left his “Butt Beads” at her house and what does he do? He MARRIES HER! Which brings me to Number 6

6. Thou Shalt Not Treat a Jumpoff Like a Wife

The Jumpoff is for one purpose – Sex. Anything else constitutes a relationship. Confusing this leads to unnecessary drama.

7. Thou Shalt Not Trick

Speaking of unnecessary drama, look at what happened to Steve McNair. When I first heard he died, I never thought it would be by the hands of a Jumpoff. I hate to say this about a friend, but all of this was Steve’s fault. He bought this girl a car, an apartment and he took her on vacation. All that tricking and what did he get for it? Nothing but an untimely demise.

8. Thou Shalt Not Leave Evidence

If you’re just determined to be in a relationship/marriage and have Jumpoffs on the side, you have got to be smart. This means cleaning out your viewed websites history on your computer, deleting text messages and for goodness sakes, get rid of any damning pictures. If you get caught, it’s because you’re sloppy or you’re stupid. Peja Stojakovic should have known by looking at his porn star Jumpoff’stwitvid page that this chick was quick to tape what most people would consider private. After all, SHE’S A PORN STAR!

9. Thou Shalt Not Fall Asleep at Thy Jumpoff’s House
See #7.

10. Thou Shalt Not Give Away Any Personal Information.

Your Jumpoffs should never know where you live, how many kids you have or what your schedule consists of. The more they know about you, the more they can use against you. If you feel the need to share a wealth of information, I suggest you have your lawyer draft a non-disclosure agreement and have the Jumpoff sign before you get down.

The majority of these commandments are common sense. The problem is that most people these days don’t have it. If you keep these commandments, you’ll have many years of success and happiness. If you don’t, you’re simply going to wind up being the next Peja Stojakovic.